By Michele Thompson, BCC
Synopsis: This article will raise awareness of the impact of perinatal loss—the loss of a pregnancy. We will consider ways to provide spiritual support that acknowledges the depth of these losses. In addition, this increased sensitivity can be shared in congregations by our chaplains so church members experiencing perinatal loss feel supported by their faith community.
As a perinatal chaplain for a large hospital’s women’s unit making my daily rounds on the Labor and Delivery floor, I hear many joyful sounds: heartbeats on the fetal monitor, women groaning through labor pains, nurses and partners loudly counting “10-9-8-7…”, and eventually the babies’ first cries. Most days. But some days as I make my rounds, I see a signal – a card on the door depicting a teardrop on a leaf – that indicates the woman and her partner in this room are having a totally different experience: a perinatal loss. How can I provide spiritual support to this family in the depth of this unique grief?
Perinatal loss includes early pregnancy loss (typically during the first 20 weeks of the pregnancy), stillbirth (after 20 weeks) as well as pre-viable premature birth (the baby is born too early to sustain life). There are a number of emotional and spiritual dimensions of perinatal loss, regardless of the length of the pregnancy.
The initial emotion that often occurs is grief for the loss of a dream. Upon learning about her pregnancy, a woman may immediately begin to dream about the baby’s future life. Her grief may stem from feelings of fear or guilt – “what did I do to cause this?”. Grief is compounded if she experiences a lack of validation from others. (We’ll consider unhelpful platitudes later.) She may have complicated spiritual questions. Is God punishing me? Why did God let (or make) this happen? Where is my baby now? She may have feelings of anger against or distance from God (compounded by guilt for having these feelings).
We need to acknowledge her partner’s feelings also. He may be confused about how to support her in the midst of his own grief. Perhaps he is surprised by his own grief (or lack of it). Often, he is overlooked and his grief is not addressed. If there are children in the family who are anticipating this new baby, they may have questions and emotions of their own. Grandparents may experience double sorrow: sadness for the loss of the anticipated grandbaby and heartbreak in seeing their adult child grieving.
How do we offer support for the whole family? Every person’s needs are different, so we must start by asking. Not “Call me if you need anything” but instead, “Could I bring supper on Thursday?” or “Would it be helpful if I take your kids with mine to the park one afternoon this week?” Or “I had a pregnancy loss too. Please call me if you just need to talk.” And if she calls, let her do the talking – don’t hijack the conversation with your story. Ask Dad if he could use some help with the yard. Hug the grandparents. More bluntly, show up and say nothing – just sit and listen. Remember, everyone grieves differently. They may experience a wide range of emotions (or no emotions). And they may need time to re-engage in their normal routine.
Whatever you do, DO NOT offer any platitudes. Any sentence that starts with Well, at least… or Be glad that… should not be said. It could have been worse or Everything happens for a reason should not be said. DON’T ATTEMPT TO SPEAK FOR GOD. It must be God’s will or God won’t give you more than you can handle or God needed another angel in heaven must never come out of our mouths. Not only is it poor theology, it is definitely not comforting. And can deepen their grief and complicate their faith struggles.
Perhaps the most difficult (and unexpected) decisions they will have to make are related to planning the burial or cremation of their baby. The State of Texas requires burial/cremation through a funeral home if the baby weighs 350 grams (about 12 ounces) or more, and for 20 or more weeks regardless of weight. Be prepared to support them during this unimaginable journey.
There are ways congregations can minister to our families experiencing perinatal loss. Offer counseling resources. Be sensitive when preparing Mother’s/Father’s Day programs. Considering having an annual Service of Hope to recognize these losses and make space to honor families, possibly including anyone who has had a family death. Establish a team that has a heart for this particular ministry. Above all, if you are planning an event, always include people who have experienced a perinatal loss. They will be able to offer what will be most supportive for others.
Space limitations don’t allow me to include suggestions for supporting families who are experiencing fertility difficulties. But everything said above also applies to how we should sensitively approach them.
Our desire as chaplains, church and ministry leaders, and caring family members is to walk alongside others in their times of sorrow. May we endeavor to help carry their burdens and show Jesus’ love in all we do.